How can parents teach kids to regulate their emotions?

Credit: Tarja

You hear it all too well. Slamming doors. Screaming. Crying. Kicking stuff within arm’s reach. Yes, that’s right. Your child is throwing a tantrum out of frustration or disappointment.

Apparently, you don’t want this situation to be a daily thing. While children will experience anger and frustration in some (or many) parts along their growing up journey, it’s important for them to navigate these seemingly negative emotions and act appropriately.

In other words, children need to learn emotional regulation. This skill is vital in developing resilience and long-term mental wellbeing. If a child does not know how to process their emotions and act responsibly, they may be more prone to anxiety or clinical depression when they become adult.  

This article will give you five techniques on how you can teach your children to regulate their emotions effectively.

First, we need to understand what emotional regulation is.

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, monitor, and recognize different feelings and adapt them appropriately for each situation. It’s different from emotional suppression, which is to ignore feelings altogether and cannot give a clear view of why your child feels angry or disappointed in certain situations. Emotional suppression is about avoidance and will likely lead to problems emerged from feelings bottled up. Emotional regulation, in contrast, is about acknowledging, observing, and processing those feelings.

On that note, let’s dive into specific techniques that you can use to help your child regulate their emotions.

1. Model healthy emotion-management

Children mimic their parents’ behaviors parents, even when we are in our autopilot mode. Therefore, it’s important that you learn to regulate your own emotions in a healthy way and make it a subconscious habit. Stay calm and speak respectfully even when you feel angry or frustrated. If you find it too hard, you can opt for parents’ time-out to have some time to process your thoughts.

I learn this lesson the hard way. Growing up seeing my parents deal with conflicts either by suppressing their feelings or throwing a tantrum, I have internalized those bad strategies. It has caused me a lot of frustration and ruin several relationships that could have been rewarding. Only with more experience and reflection did I learn to have a better way to cope with unwanted feelings and lead a more emotionally balanced life.

2. Accept your child’s feelings

Different people feel different ways about one situation, even when those people are your children. Not allowing your child to feel a certain way is not just ineffective, it’s impossible. Instead of invalidating or belittling what your child is feeling, you can empathize with them and let them know you accept their feelings. Sometimes these have to come before understanding why your child feels that way. You can say “I know it’s sad, but it’s okay” to send the message that emotions are not bad, even if they are often labeled “negative”. Having these confirmations helps your child be assured of your support and gives them some calmness to observe and process their emotions.

Children oftentimes lack essential skills to act appropriately when they are angry or stressed. Keep this in the back of your mind when your child is kicking the table or throwing their toys all over the place. But if they cross the line, you can calmly tell them “I know you are feeling angry, but it does not mean you can behave like this.” This way, the child knows that their feelings are acknowledged and that they are not allowed to act irresponsibly with their anger as an excuse.

3. Do not ignore or punish your child

A lot of times when children scream or flail about, we become stressed and punish them, hoping they will realize their behaviors are unacceptable. However, a child feeling distressed needs your encouraging support more than ever. Instead of pushing them away, make sure they know that you are there with them. When the reaction wears off, you can talk with them about how they feel, discover the cause of the problem together, and develop a better way to behave in the future.

So-called negative emotions could be a window into your kid’s view of the world. I remember feeling so frustrated when hearing adults lie and argued with them about it. Even though it was not an appropriate behavior, I realized honesty has always been one of my core values. When you stay calm, you can help your child discover and articulate what is important to them. You might be surprised how insightful your child actually is.

4. Cultivate a positive environment at home

Family environment plays a significant part in a child’s ability to regulate their emotions. The best thing you can give your child is a safe, supportive home where all feelings are validated. Try to have open talks when dealing with marital conflicts or go to therapy if you cannot solve the conflicts on your own. A child living with emotionally responsible parents can can grow up feeling secure and emotionally strong.

Of course, this is easier said than done. One helpful mindset is to aim for progress, not perfection. Happy home is largely made up of happy parents. Your feelings are contagious, and children easily adopt their home atmosphere. Take a good care of your emotions, so that your child can pick up your good energy and be able to handle their feelings well.

5. Teach them coping techniques

This works well for older children. When you see your child’s arched back, stiffening limbs, or red face, you can guide them to take deep breaths, count to ten, or take a walk in nature. These coping techniques give your child some calm minutes and help them from reacting immediately.

For a longer-term approach, make sure that your child practice good self care. They can participate in their favorite sports, arts, or dance. Practicing mindfulness is also a good way for children to develop their emotional regulation skills. If you don’t know how to help your child practice mindfulness, you can take a look at upiopi’s upcoming spring camp for children from 5 to 10 years old in UAE. In this camp, children can experience mindfulness, do calm movements, and join any of their favorite hands-on activities from drawing to cooking to doing kitchen experiments.

Emotional regulation is an important skillset that every child should learn to lead a happy, balanced life. We hope that with these techniques, you now have an idea of how to guide your child in this mostly-amazing-and-sometimes-confusing journey of growing up.

Try applying any of these five techniques today and tell us what works best for you and your child!